無 / 有 – Sungwon Peter Choe Online

Why Does This Keep Happening To Me?

You always end up in relationships with guys who like to conserve water by not flushing. You always argue with your girlfriend about how many ex-girlfriend tattoos you have (what’s her problem, anyway??). You always get stuck with chicken-beheading duty down at the ranch. Why don’t things change? Why don’t you ever have any luck?

To put it bluntly, you’re not ready for change. You’re not ready to change. You’re used to and comfortable with things the way they are. One way to look at it is that you haven’t learned what you’re “supposed” to have learned from a particular level of experience, so you can’t move on. You’re doomed to repeat it. Everyday is Groundhog Day (imdb | amazon).

Bill Murray and friend in Groundhog Day

What? Does the universe really conspire to provide you with experiences that are valuable lessons? Are you really the center of the universe, a special snowflake? Yes and no. It’s simply that whatever level of consciousness, emotional development or morality you’re at is how you’ll experience pretty much everything. For the purposes of self-development, reality is absolutely (haha) subjective. Your understanding of every experience you have is filtered through your own unique perspective. Hell, even if you are capable of being aware of having a certain experience is based on your interpretative framework, your ability to be aware of it in the first place. The universe doesn’t have to prepare a conspiracy of lesson plans for you. The way you perceive any experience is itself the teaching. (But you are a special snowflake! Who’s a special snowflake? Yes, you are! Daddy’s wittle fluffy-wuffy special snowflake!)

You're a special snowflake! =^.^=

Thus you do not change because your understanding of reality remains fixed. If you always interpret a similar experience in the same way, you will always have the same experience. If you always respond with the same action, you’ll always get the same result.

So how do you break out of your current reality? If you want to experience something new, if you want to change, you have to develop a new understanding, a new perspective, and then respond accordingly. Or you can do it the other way around and change your behavior first, see what happens, and then develop a new interpretive framework.

Developing a New Perspective

For social relationships, the easiest way to gain a new perspective is to take that of the person with whom you are in relationship with.

For example, how could she do that to me? I don’t know, that’s a good question, isn’t it? Let’s actually try to answer it.

Adopt her perspective for a moment with compassion. Have you ever done something like that? Could you ever do something like that? Once you have developed some compassion for her perspective, it looks less and less like she’s wronged you. You may have simply expected more from her than she’s ready to give. Maybe she doesn’t express her affection in ways that you need (some respond more to words, others deeds, still others physical affection). Can you still be upset at her when you can empathize with her perspective? Well, yeah, I guess you could, but you’d start to feel silly about it after a while.

Taking another perspective like this allows you to take back control over the situation. You can not easily control another person (at least not without being a major dick). You can not easily force them to change (most of us aren’t ready to, right?). But you can control how you interpret the situation and how you respond. Since reality is subjective anyhow, changing your perspective of the situation will actually change the situation. That doesn’t mean you always get what you want; it means you can control whether not getting what you want will upset you or not. (It might, however, help you stop looking for what you want in the wrong places…)

(Note that the Integral 3-2-1 process describes a similar, more detailed way of using perspectives to work through your own psyche. It’s an excellent technique for dealing with your Shadow.)

New Action: Outside the Comfort Zone

Changing your behavior entails taking new action. You can tell when you’re taking new action when you’re outside your comfort zone. So if you want to take new action that will lead to growth, you have to do something you’re afraid of (not mortally, of course, don’t go skinny dipping in piranha-infested waters because you misunderstood me). Tim Ferris even argues that defining your fears may be more important than defining your goals. Generally, facing your fears will change your reality fairly automatically. You’ll be doing things you never imagined that you could do. You gain confidence. Your sense of self expands.

Note that while moving outside of your comfort zone when you’re ready leads to growth, being forced too far outside your comfort zone leads to trauma. A 13-year old needs to begin getting away from his parent’s authority and care to learn to assert his independence. A 3-year old who is taken away from caring parents can be psychologically scarred.

Under the Blanket: Inside the Comfort Zone

Oh wait, so there’s a comfort zone? Yeah, which means if you’re not changing, you’re in it! And that’s perfectly fine. You don’t need to be changing all the time, just know that if you’re all comfy under the covers, you’re not growing. You change when you’re ready (which would probably be about when you’re complaining about your life, if you needed a hint). When you want to move on to the next set of experiences, you know what you have to do.